This Is Me Maria

Saturday evening after returning from 8 hours in a software testing class (nearly 2 of which were spent w/o power) I took the kids to a local park. The parks in here are fantastic. Most are tucked away in a quiet neighborhood and surrounded by giant old trees.

My own yard is in complete disarray so I have a great appreciation for well cared for landscaping. We were getting some where but then we got Talia back who is a digger. Then the kids started digging as well. They have also taken to playing with our yard equipment to build forts.

When they are old they are going to say to their own kids, “When I was a kid I had to play with wheelbarrows and tarps.”

The parks here are well maintained and manicured. The grass here is so ridiculously and wonderfully green. There is always room for improvement in the restroom department though. 

We burned up the daylight avoiding the hot lava by climbing over the play structures, rolling down the grassy hills, laying under the giant trees, and the kids ran to and fro across the grassy ball fields.

The kids took off their shoes and danced around in the grass.  As usual I was busy snapping photographs and making sure  they didn’t get hurt or contract any germs.

At home I am pretty lax about most things but when we go out I am a germaphobe and a hawk. I don’t like public restrooms or anything that a lot of people touch. I also don’t like for them to be out of my sight for even a second when we are out. I feel a little crazy in the grocery store sounding like a parrot saying “don’t touch that” over and over again.

We made our way home as the sun ducked behind a hill. I had been arguing with Chris before we left for the park so I left my phone in the car. Later I realized that it was so blissful to spend time with them, with out any interruptions but that of curious dog being taken for an evening walk.

I recall these emotions from the days where I stayed at home with them and I miss those moments tremendously. I’m writing it down to remind me to take more uninterrupted time with them.

I’ve been exploring my emotions about her. I’ve cried more about her in the last week than I have in all the years since she died combined.

Christopher has been perfect. He’s only had one person close to him die, ever but he’s been perfect. You can only know what that means if you’ve lost someone close to you.

There are no words to make it better. There is only listening and being there in the moment with the pain surrounding you. It is really hard.

The most upsetting thing has been the thought of two little girls having to say goodbye to their mother. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s story when I think about this.

We were only able to say goodbye to her for what seemed like 10 minutes. It is silly but I kick my 11 year old self for not speaking up and saying “Hey! This is the last time I’m ever going to see my mom! LET ME STAY!”

I know there is no handbook that can tell you how to deal with children when their mother is dying, but I feel it could have been handled better. From not letting us stay longer with her, to stating to me that you blame my dad for my mom dying and everything in between.

I’m not done grieving but I think I will eventually be okay.

Our nanny IM’s me through out the day and tells me interesting things the kids have said or done. It is nice because I feel like I know more about what is going on in their day. I get to laugh a lot too.

Boobs

• “When I grow up I am going to feed my baby from my boob.”   -Madison (age 5)

The nanny has a wee little baby that nurses. The kids are very interested in this concept.

Poop

• They take bets on how much poop will be in a given a diaper. They are very interested in the baby poop and have to be around to witness the changing of the diapers. Whoever guesses the correct amount of poop (not sure how this is measured) gets bragging rights.

Shopping

• “I want to buy beautiful things. You know make up and stuff.”  -Madison

Dirt

• While packing up for a weekend at the cabin, she sent them outside to play for 15 minutes to run off some energy. In 15 minutes they dug a 2 foot hole in the backyard and rubbed dirt all over themselves.

Cody (age 7) is a good little worker and probably dug most of the hole himself. Madison probably stood close by singing and rubbing dirt into her skin.

My kids are funny, good spirited, little people. I’m so lucky.

It is funny what you learn about yourself when someone (like a therapist) just sits and actually listens to you talk.

Maybe it is my depressive, psychotic state but for some reason I feel like now is a good time to explore how I feel about my mom her.

Of all the things we’ve covered so far in therapy, the one thing that made me cry was her. It was so ridiculous. I like distraction from life, grieving is a good distraction. Shall we?

Her ashes are here in my house. I don’t like to remember that. They are in my dog’s bedroom in a plastic bag. Well the velvet bag that holds the wooden box that holds the Ziploc bag of ashes (I looked when I was a kid) is in the plastic grocery bag. God that is so horrible. I should box it up and mail it to her family.

Every photograph my family ever took are here in my house in photo boxes. This makes me so unbelievably angry. We made so many memories and no one even cares anymore.

Someone’s new wife has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old and can’t stand to have photos of someone’s previous life anywhere in their house. Not one. single. photograph.

I don’t want the responsibility of carrying on her memory or the memories of our family. He was supposed to do that. It is his job! I don’t want to be responsible for this!

I read that kids need to know where they came from, so I have to come to grips with all of this and be able to communicate information about my family with a positive spin. So far both children are very interested in how she died. They understand that I don’t have a mother and that she is dead. Much to my dismay they ask a lot of questions about her.

If I don’t do this, I won’t be able to answer questions. So far I’ve used inner hatred towards her for leaving to block out whatever real vulnerable emotions I might have. Probably not the healthiest idea.

I was 11 and she left. This feels horrible. The empty gaping whole people leave when they die, I don’t feel that anymore. I guess this is the crap that comes after that.

When we moved into the first home we bought, we went to the mattress store and bought a new bed. A very comfy king sized bed. Both kids slept in it with us when they were babies.

When we moved here we decided that since we have this big house, the kids should work on sleeping in their own rooms and their own beds.

Occasionally we used to all take a nap together or watch a movie on our big bed though. I actually bent Chris’s arm backwards in one of our many wrestling matches on the big bed.

In the some what recent past, Chris got rid of the big bed and got us new beds. Yes bed(s). Two twin sized Sleep Number beds that also do the whole sitting up and massage thing. The Sleep Number people told him that the beds would not come apart. They were right, the bolted frame does not come apart. Although they are on wheels so the bed moves around…

However in between our two mattresses is a giant canyon. No matter what, it is always there. The four of us can no longer just comfortably laze around together. I always end up in the giant canyon, which is even worse for my back than our old mattress.

Heck the two of us can’t even sleep right next to each other. My favorite place in the whole world used to be L of Chris’s arm. No more though because it is reminiscent of high school college trying squeeze onto his tiny bed.

If you have ever shopped for a Sleep Number bed, you know that we will have to keep these beds for the rest of our married lives. It is great the beds are so comfy, I never want to get out of my bed on the weekend and I don’t wake up in pain anymore. In some ways though these beds have ruined my life. I was deeply devastated when we first started sleeping in them because of the giant canyon between us. My bed is so comfortable though anymore I can just lay in it and sleep away my anguish forever.

I really just want to lay around with my family on our bed. Watch a movie or listen to the silly jokes my kids tell. Of course we can do this anywhere but it was our own little family thing to just laze around in bed. These beds were not made for families.

If you are thinking of getting a new bed, don’t do it! You never know what kind of disaster you could bring to your life by purchasing a new bed. Just keep your big old bed. Buy some new sheets for it.

• My front yard. Half of the weed barrier I laid down is some how gone. So this whole section is over run with weeds.
• My “carport” what is also known as the entry way to my house. The previous owners attempted to enclose the carport. They did the shittiest job EVER.
• Everything about the upstairs which includes my kitchen and the upstairs bathroom. The walls, the floor, the cabinets. Ev-er-y-THING.
• My deck - 320 square feet of pain in my ass.
• My gigantic back yard - there are no words.
• I have resigned to pretending that the windows and siding don’t even exist because I doubt I’ll ever see them get replaced.

I know, I know got myself into this giant mess. In my defense though I said I wanted to move to this city. I did not say I wanted to move to this house. Mr. Maria picked out the house. I said we should wait for something else.

I really want to have a better POV on this. Like oh I’m so lucky that the only problems in my life are my house and my yard. And I should be happy for each day. And oh it could be so much worse.

I can’t though. Everyday that I have to come home to this house I am angry. I can’t handle this. This is why I ran away from home all the time when I was a teenager. We lived in my grandmother’s depressing unfinished house! I hated being there so much.

I would rather stay at work (where stupid angry people call me all day long) than go home at the end of each day. I only come home because I miss my family and they are the only things in the world that make me happy right now. I wish that was enough, but it isn’t. The rest of this is just too much.

The thing that makes me angrier than any of this is everyone who says, it will get done eventually, it will happen in time… and all the stupid shit they get to say because they don’t have to put up with this. BULL.SHIT. It took 2 years to get here. Like we’ve finally made it up to -1.

How am I ever going to make it to the end of this?

Plastic bags are so over. Not only are they just plain ugly, but they are evil. They can be reused maybe once, recycled rarely, biodegrade - pretty much never.

Reusable grocery bags are in and here to stay. Many are bigger, stronger, and hipper than your average plastic bag.

Of course you can get the store branded fuzzy reusable bags, but for those who like a little flare in their grocery trips, there are so many stylish and convenient other reusable grocery bag options.

Here are the ones I’ve used so far. I’ve looked at many of the grocery bag options out there. So many of them are just branded canvas bags, but a few companies have taken it to a new great level.

Envirosax www.envirosax.com

I purchased the 5 pack of the Monochromatic Series. At $35 I felt they were pretty spendy for grocery bags. However I get compliments on them all the time and they are very large and sturdy. If you don’t mind the task of rolling them back up, it is nice that all 5 fit in the convenient little pouch. These are my favorite because they are so pretty and hold so much. I’ll probably order more because the snap came off of one and I lost one.

Flip & Tumble www.flipandtumble.com

This bag is ingenious. I only have one because I bought one for my MIL that I keep forgetting to give her. It is super easy to tote around in your purse and even easier to fold back up when you are done with it. This bag is a bit smaller than my other bags but still holds quite a bit. The only drawback is that it kind of looks like you are toting around a pair of socks.

Grocery Buddy

No link for this guy, I found him in a little tub at Whole Foods while I waited in line horrified that I had forgotten my bags.  This little guy comes in a little bag with a tiny carabiner key chain. It is attached to the little bag and easily folds back up into itself. This one is on the smaller side but it is good to have just in case.

Other grocery bags I am looking at:

Re-usable produce bags www.kootsac.etsy.com

I don’t know about you, but I hate it when cashiers just stick things into little plastics bags with out asking. It would be handy to have these along.

Foldable Shopping Trolley by Globally Cute on Amazon.com

I think this is a good option for walking down to the local store just to grab a gallon of milk and maybe a few other things. A situation that might normally cause you drive can be turned into an opportunity to burn some calories, save some gas and, save the planet.

When I was a little girl, my parents made me take piano lessons. I didn’t want to, especially since they wouldn’t let me dance anymore. Dance lessons were expensive and we were poor. We lived with my grandmother who has a very old tall piano in her home.

Just the other day I was listening to some songs on the little piano on my iphone (insert snicker) and I realized how much I missed having a piano to play on.

My parents used to say that I would be glad they made me learn how to play one day, and they were right. It is too bad I don’t have a piano to play on.

I am so ridiculous, if it was just me running the show here and no husband to defer to I would sell my van to buy a baby grand and put it in the living room and put the big couch downstairs. I’d walk or take the bus everywhere.

It is okay, you can laugh.

It is so hard for me to find a happy medium, ever. After stating my goals, I did get into a slightly better cleaning mode than I had been in. Cross your fingers for me that I will continue to improve. The next day I also rode my bike to work. Go me.

More of my awesome bike gear arrived at the Issaquah REI for me to pick up and now my bike is all decked out and ready for some serious riding. Except for my water bottle holder, I can’t freaking find it. Oh well though because I have a step over frame and there is no where to put it.

Getting out of bed more seems to be helping my mood. I’ve also been avoiding bad news and conflict as much as possible while I am in such a fragile state. I am not watching the news. Talus (my former golden retriever) is going to a new home again. I can barely type that. I so cannot deal with that right now. I don’t even have the energy to state what I really think about the situation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how stressful our lives are. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to move far away to a sleepy town and drive my kids to school in my pj’s in my van and then eat crackers and color with the other children I’d like to have.

That so is not ever going to happen.  So of course I can’t just exist in the mediocre state that I am. It isn’t good enough. I have to strive to attain something bigger and better. Telling me to settle down is like telling the world to stop spinning. It isn’t going to happen.

I read somewhere that we should share our dreams even though we fear public failure because it helps us be accountable and because we can often find support this way. I didn’t find this to be true when we moved from Kent to Bellevue but whatever. Maybe my new Bellevue friends will be more supportive.

My dream is to buy a small piece of land on the island and build a smallish (1200 sq. ft) modern, really environmentally friendly house tucked behind some tall old trees. I don’t care about a view of the lake, I would consider myself fortunate to live on that island at all.

My last dream was to move to this city (which of course may be my demise) but after all of the talking and planning, we made it here. Pretty good for two kids from White Center neither of which has finished college (so far). Despite the unbearable stress this house has caused, the downstairs is just a little bit of paint around the edges, away from being done.

I find the chaos of all of the toys, in a perfectly imperfect new playroom quite peaceful.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/03/18/smbusiness/bellevue_washington.fsb/index.htm

My city took 1st place this year! We’ve been in the top 100 at least a few times in the past few years but this year we took the #1 spot.

I don’t follow news with any kind of regularity so I am very slow at learning of anything. LOL

Yay Bellevue!