Survival Mode
The progress I make each day is minute. What we’ve (my therapist and I) established is that I am in survival mode. I can function only on a basic level. My ability to give anything else of myself is non existent. I have nothing else to give.
If you have never experienced this, let me paint you a picture of what this looks like. It isn’t pretty. I won’t sugar coat this at all, as my ability to think creatively is also non existent.
The place where it is most apparent to me is my interaction with my children. I am some how able to take care of their basic needs. It takes everything I have but I can feed them, dress them, and send them off to school. I can hug and kiss them but when they need anything else from me, I cannot give it.
Every moment with them is taxing and all I want to do is be alone so I can focus on breathing. This was most apparent one morning when I took them out to breakfast at a Denny’s by myself. They were good. They weren’t rowdy or loud. They pretty much stayed seated the entire time and yet it was so incredibly stressful and practically traumatic for me, I just wanted to be done. Of course there are other things tied to this like my perfectionistic tendencies that cause me to insist that my children behave in public as if it were a reflection on myself but its complicated.
As you can imagine this inability to function on no more than a basic level affects every area of my life. There is no on off switch for this. All I can do is take my medication and use my plastic spoon to dig myself out of this 1000 foot hole that was dug with a giant shovel. Each day I try and recognize the areas that are affected. It is a constant discovery process.
One thing I am barely able to do is to read a book. I picked up a book today that I’ve been staring at for awhile. I can only read a page at a time. I am starting to see that the signs of my break down began quite some time ago. I drop words from my sentences when I am writing and even now when I am talking, this began quite some time ago.
The real kicker here is that we think that perhaps my husband is also in survival mode. I don’t want pity, just understanding and perhaps a prayer if you have any to give.
Tags: complicated, survival mode
October 12th, 2008 at 11:06 am
You’re constant push onward is an inspiration to many of us, Maria, especially me. Through all this inner struggle you’re having, you’ve been a amazingingly supportive and true friend to me in my times of stuggles. Keep your head up high, you truly are amazing!