This Is Me Maria

If you visited my house in the last year, you would find that it has gotten a little out of control. For months I’ve been barely grasping to the threads of sanity and it shows.

I have lived with out a dishwasher for most of my life and I have been washing dishes since I was 4 years old. However with everything unraveling - for the past 6 months or so I have been threatening to switch to disposable eating-ware. I followed through with my threat recently.

I feel guilty even though our paper plates are going to be composted. I feel guilty even though our bowls, plastic-ware, and cups are being recycled. I feel guilty even though we are using less water. We are consuming,  products that require energy and oil to be manufactured and recycled.

It is kind of all I can handle right now until my kitchen is done though…

You might be a dog owner or a mom if:

-You go to work with some kind of goo on your pants like toothpaste or paint that someone left out or got out and chewed up and you stepped in it.

-Your backyard looks like a small war zone with little landmines and holes everywhere.

-You find pieces of shredded paper everywhere.

-You are the hand and you’ve been bitten.

-You always have something wonderful albeit messy to come home to.

1) Make time to listen to your friend talk about nothing and something.

2) Tell your friend you still love them - medicated or not.

3) Look at all of your friend’s photos of their kids/dogs/hobbies

4) Remember you friend’s special dates

5) Spend time with your friend

I haven’t much to say these days.

I am feeling OK. I go to therapy every week. I am adjusting nicely to my fluoxetine (Prozac). I even went out with my co-workers friends the other night.

Just trying to get through each day because I still have so much stress going on in my life right now. I am just working on dealing with all of it.

Thank you friends who have still been there for me even though I’ve been distant. Thank you friends who have listened intently while I throw up my emotions all over the floor.

Here are three simple yet effortless ways to ruin any friendship you no longer have use for

• Don’t remember birthdays, anniversaries, or any special dates. Or if you do remember don’t call, email, or give any hint that you did remember

• Don’t check in, don’t take a moment to leave a note on their Facebook wall to say “hey hope you are well”, send a free eCard or take any action that says “I still care about you”

• Only stop by to visit when you need borrow something or happen to be in town and need something from them

Maybe just one little thing will help you get through each day.

1) Lay your head on the shoulder of an unquestioning, unassuming, friend that you trust. Just close your eyes and lay there for awhile.

2) Listen to a song that you really like. Music is like medicine for the soul. Listen to songs that calm and caress your soul.

3) Take a walk. Everyone knows exercise helps with depression but no one explains how to climb out from the depression cloud to start exercising. Just try a comfortable walk for now.

4) Seek out a flavor tea that you love. Collect a personal sized tea set that you use just for your own private tea time.

5) Create something very small. Buy a tiny kit of some kind that allows to express your creativity but is a small project that won’t overwhelm you. Like a tiny herb garden, or a tiny ornament decorator.

I drive a red Prius instead of a van now, but it looks and smells like a soccer mom in here. Practice Tuesdays, clinic on Thursdays, game on Saturday mornings, micro soccer also some how on Saturday mornings. Emails that all 20 people “Reply All” to - going back and forth just about every day.

When I’m not in the office I’m glued to my iphone trying to answer emails and cross things off of my ever growing to do list. Trying to find to time to do anything else but play catch up is just about impossible and school hasn’t even started due to the teacher strike. So of course PTA and Health Committee stuff are just waiting to pounce.

I’m taking the fall off from school so as not to overwhelm myself and so we can pay for a new bed again. (We are going to get a real king bed with no grand canyon in the middle and let the kids have these.)

Every Wednesday I rush off to the other side of downtown Bellevue to see my therapist after work. I always feel more distorted when I leave than when I got there. I feel like a crazy, spoiled person every time I go there. I feel like I’m going to get help for petty problems as I pull into the lovely office park. I’m not starving, dying, diseased, or ill! I think to myself as I sit down on her white couch to tell her about how busy and stressed out I am from being a working, sometimes in college, house is forever being remodeled, soccer mom.

Oddly though, I find myself more content rushing around like a some what crazy lady. It is kind of like a video game where you have to get all the points as you overcome various obstacles like shin guard chewing dogs, missing shoes, and those stupid weeds that keep coming back. I throw my head back and laugh as my husband says he’ll be working all weekend.

The worst part about family is how you can see parts of them in yourself.

My arms look like my mom’s arms. My feet look like my mom’s feet. My hands are big like my dad’s. My nose is big like my mom’s.

I have an unhealthy obsession with jewelry, like my grandma. Currently my house is unfinished and messy like hers too. I am not punctual, like my dad. I have a temper that bares the rage the boils inside me, like my mom.

My kids are a lot like me. Cody is insecure like me. You can tell when he talks. Madison looks just like me. (Her toes look like my sister’s funny shaped toes that I used to make fun of.)

They are like Chris too. Cody looks just like him. Madison has his long fingers. They both have his big, brown, puppy dog eyes and long lashes.

There some strange things I’ve inherited that I love though.

I am a night owl. While not very useful, I love the dark and the night.

I love the rain, trees, and clouds of the Seattle area.

I am conscious of the environment.

The moral glasses I look through are very  black and white. They are few if any areas of grey.

There are so many pieces of me that come from my parents and my upbringing. I’ve been trying to sift those out of the emotional clutter. The better I know myself, I think perhaps the better I can raise my littles to be the people I think they should be.

Saturday evening after returning from 8 hours in a software testing class (nearly 2 of which were spent w/o power) I took the kids to a local park. The parks in here are fantastic. Most are tucked away in a quiet neighborhood and surrounded by giant old trees.

My own yard is in complete disarray so I have a great appreciation for well cared for landscaping. We were getting some where but then we got Talia back who is a digger. Then the kids started digging as well. They have also taken to playing with our yard equipment to build forts.

When they are old they are going to say to their own kids, “When I was a kid I had to play with wheelbarrows and tarps.”

The parks here are well maintained and manicured. The grass here is so ridiculously and wonderfully green. There is always room for improvement in the restroom department though. 

We burned up the daylight avoiding the hot lava by climbing over the play structures, rolling down the grassy hills, laying under the giant trees, and the kids ran to and fro across the grassy ball fields.

The kids took off their shoes and danced around in the grass.  As usual I was busy snapping photographs and making sure  they didn’t get hurt or contract any germs.

At home I am pretty lax about most things but when we go out I am a germaphobe and a hawk. I don’t like public restrooms or anything that a lot of people touch. I also don’t like for them to be out of my sight for even a second when we are out. I feel a little crazy in the grocery store sounding like a parrot saying “don’t touch that” over and over again.

We made our way home as the sun ducked behind a hill. I had been arguing with Chris before we left for the park so I left my phone in the car. Later I realized that it was so blissful to spend time with them, with out any interruptions but that of curious dog being taken for an evening walk.

I recall these emotions from the days where I stayed at home with them and I miss those moments tremendously. I’m writing it down to remind me to take more uninterrupted time with them.

I’ve been exploring my emotions about her. I’ve cried more about her in the last week than I have in all the years since she died combined.

Christopher has been perfect. He’s only had one person close to him die, ever but he’s been perfect. You can only know what that means if you’ve lost someone close to you.

There are no words to make it better. There is only listening and being there in the moment with the pain surrounding you. It is really hard.

The most upsetting thing has been the thought of two little girls having to say goodbye to their mother. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s story when I think about this.

We were only able to say goodbye to her for what seemed like 10 minutes. It is silly but I kick my 11 year old self for not speaking up and saying “Hey! This is the last time I’m ever going to see my mom! LET ME STAY!”

I know there is no handbook that can tell you how to deal with children when their mother is dying, but I feel it could have been handled better. From not letting us stay longer with her, to stating to me that you blame my dad for my mom dying and everything in between.

I’m not done grieving but I think I will eventually be okay.