This Is Me Maria

I’ve been exploring my emotions about her. I’ve cried more about her in the last week than I have in all the years since she died combined.

Christopher has been perfect. He’s only had one person close to him die, ever but he’s been perfect. You can only know what that means if you’ve lost someone close to you.

There are no words to make it better. There is only listening and being there in the moment with the pain surrounding you. It is really hard.

The most upsetting thing has been the thought of two little girls having to say goodbye to their mother. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s story when I think about this.

We were only able to say goodbye to her for what seemed like 10 minutes. It is silly but I kick my 11 year old self for not speaking up and saying “Hey! This is the last time I’m ever going to see my mom! LET ME STAY!”

I know there is no handbook that can tell you how to deal with children when their mother is dying, but I feel it could have been handled better. From not letting us stay longer with her, to stating to me that you blame my dad for my mom dying and everything in between.

I’m not done grieving but I think I will eventually be okay.

When I was a little girl, my parents made me take piano lessons. I didn’t want to, especially since they wouldn’t let me dance anymore. Dance lessons were expensive and we were poor. We lived with my grandmother who has a very old tall piano in her home.

Just the other day I was listening to some songs on the little piano on my iphone (insert snicker) and I realized how much I missed having a piano to play on.

My parents used to say that I would be glad they made me learn how to play one day, and they were right. It is too bad I don’t have a piano to play on.

I am so ridiculous, if it was just me running the show here and no husband to defer to I would sell my van to buy a baby grand and put it in the living room and put the big couch downstairs. I’d walk or take the bus everywhere.

It is okay, you can laugh.