This Is Me Maria

I almost can’t remember this so I had better write it down.

I took five pregnancy tests the day we found out I was pregnant which was September 17th 2000. The first people to find out we were pregnant was a co worker of Chris’s and his wife. We went to their house for a BBQ that day.

Once we figured out all of the dates, we think that Cody was conceived on Labor Day weekend the day that Chris quit smoking. August 27th I believe.

I had all day sickness in the first few months but was otherwise healthy. Later in the pregnancy I was put on bed rest for 3 months. I went into preterm labor a few times and was hospitalized for a few days at one point. I got those steroid shots in my thigh to develop his lungs. I took some kind of medication to prevent labor as well.

I was taken off of bed rest on a Thursday or Friday (can’t remember anymore). It was the date they thought I was at 37 weeks. His due date was May 23rd 2001.

On Saturday Chris and I went to the mall. That afternoon I started contracting regularly so I called the hospital and they let us come in. At the time I was still dead set on having a natural birth with no epidural. My labor nurse asked me about it and she said she’d help with that goal.

Hours and hours went by. They did let me walk a little but I was made to labor on my back so they could keep me strapped to the baby monitor. Having never done this before, Chris called his family to let them know we were at the hospital. Some of them showed up (even though they were directed not to) only to be told I did not want visitors.

As the evening progressed I sent Chris out to get movies and food. Just as he arrived at some parking lot (don’t remember which anymore) my water broke. I quickly moved into transition phase. I begged my nurse to call him, and she finally did, and he hurried back.

It was all down hill from there. I was in heavy labor flat on my back for about 45 minutes. I begged for an epidural but by the time the anesthesiologist arrived my nurse told him it was too late.

At some point I recall my nurse trying to get me to breath because I wasn’t doing very well, and I think she put an oxygen mask on me. I was in so much pain I couldn’t follow any directions. She did put a little bit of minor pain medication in my IV but it helped for like 10 seconds.

Before that I didn’t want anyone but the vital few in the delivery room but really when you are in that much pain you don’t notice there is a whole crowd of people down there. Nor do you care or remember that you didn’t get to shave your legs.

I couldn’t follow directions to hold my own legs back so Chris held one while I squeezed his hand (thumb apparently turned purple) and my nurse held the other. She told me to push past the pain and that is exactly what I did. I pushed and stopped as directed while a doctor pulled and stretched me as his head was crowning. I wanted to kill her for that. He had the cord wrapped around his neck.

It was traumatic and painful all at once and then it was over. Earlier we had told them to take him away as soon as he was born and clean him off. I had waited nearly 9 months and could wait another minute or two more for him to be cleaned off before he was handed to me.

I had watched too many Lifetime movies and made Chris promise not to leave him unattended so that he didn’t get mixed up with any other babies. For a few hours he had to be under a heat lamp so Chris stayed with him during that time. I was shaking from the adrenaline for the next hour or so.

When I finally held him his cry sounded like a scared cry. He had bright blue eyes and was only 17 inches long. He weighed 5lbs 10oz on April 28th 2001 at 11:56pm.

I thought that finding more of myself, meant that I would drift away from my husband. At first, that seemed to be the case. To my surprise I have found that the more I love myself, the more I remember how much I love Christopher.

Being with him, is being home. Being in his arms is like basking in the warmth of the sun. There is no place I feel safer than with him.

I suppose this makes me somewhat vulnerable, but then there is no one I trust more. It is wonderful to recall that I am madly and sickeningly in love with him still after all of these years. I am so lucky.

I haven’t said much about this (here) because there isn’t much to say but I’m going to say all of this now…

My husband is sick. He has been sick for over a year. He has enlarge lymphnodes in his lungs. Every time he catches a cold, he stays sick for months. He coughs all the time…

He has been through numerous tests and procedures and they still don’t know what is wrong with him. Today he is having surgery to remove two of the enlarged lymphnodes for further investigation. I am grateful that he should get to come home the same day but there is a reason that someone that can make medical decisions for him has to be in the waiting room the entire time.

Of course I will wait for him just as I have for all of the other procedures he has had over the last year or more but this time he’ll seem more sick. I am still not okay with the hospitals. I spent a lot of time in the hospital as a child. Not because I was ill but because my mom was progressively more ill. Every time I have to visit someone in their hospital bed I feel like vomiting.

So I probably won’t be able to say all of this later but I don’t usually talk about how much I love Chris because I tend to go over board and it makes people throw up in their mouth a little. So hold on to your breakfast.

I have saved every corny letter, note and card that Chris and I have ever shared. While we have gone through some rough times - I love him so freaking much. Some would say that I am a bit obsessed with him which I think is pretty awesome after 7 going on 8 years of marriage. I can’t imagine my life with out him.

We aren’t a perfect couple at all. We argue like you wouldn’t believe but he is the most important person in my life. I trust him more than anyone. Surprising to even me I’ve found that I respect him more than anyone.

Well I just needed to get all of that out now because in a few hours I won’t be up to saying anything.