This Is Me Maria

What is it about the seven year old brain that causes the child to argue?

I theorize that at this point, the amount of nutrients needed for the child’s excessive feet growth deprives the brain of whatever it is that is needed to take in new information from any paternal input units. Therefore argument is simply the seven year old brain rejecting information that it has no room for.

Well at least that is the little lie I tell myself as I repeat all instructions that don’t begin with “Eat your dessert” at least seven times.

The overwhelming theme in the last few weeks has been hopelessness. I have now lost track of how many days I have been taking medication. I figure it is 27 or so.

I feel like I am going insane. I wonder if and when Chris might decide to have me committed. The thoughts in my head are ridiculous. I feel like dying a lot though. Dying because I feel hopeless. Dying because what is in my head is unreal.

Chris took my gun away. He won’t let me near it ever again now. I feel kind of unsafe in the house alone unarmed but the part of me that feels like dying is glad that he has made it harder for me to give up. I can see how part of me might resent this during some difficult moments in the future though.

I get to see my doctor again today so I think we’ll discuss trying a different medication. I won’t stop trying to get better, right now it is only because of the Littles. One day I hope it might be for myself.

I admit that 1. I started knitting a scarf for my daughter (after having completed one for my son); over two years ago and still have not completed it.

I admit that 2. I really suck at math.

I admit that 3. I am over scheduled and under rested and stressed 90% of the time and it is all my fault.

I admit that 4. I could happily spend 12 hours working as long as it is in front of a computer.

I admit that 5. I have the most unorganized (read: messy) room in the house.

It is widely known that we are workaholics in our house. We have to be careful (it is a constant struggle) because of course our children need us around too.

I need to get an STE certificate for my job, okay fine. I am excited to do it but there are problems. The classes are 8 hours a day on Saturdays, 3 weeks a month for 9 months starting in August.

Okay fine except in the fall soccer is on Saturday morning so I will be missing that. Also my husband usually works Saturdays so we are going to have to alternate with my mother in law (if she isn’t at her cabin) and I suspect we’ll need to find someone else too. Also I used to attend church on Saturdays and hoped I would grow a soul one day start going again this year. Oh well summer 2009 isn’t too far off right?

The best part of all of this is that each class is $550 a month. That is almost two car payments or almost two weeks of groceries. Luckily my husband has offered to pay for the classes because I can’t seem to find a part time job that fits into my crazy ass schedule.