This Is Me Maria

I think I need reading glasses, the typed word is becoming increasingly difficult to read. Probably has something to do with my thinning retina.

When I was young I would hate how people in movies could never bring themselves to say the words they really wanted to say.

I find myself in that precarious situation more and more these days. The words just sit there like a cement block on my tongue, daring me to budge them over the cliff of my tongue and onto my lips.

More than that, the people I want to say some very important (to me) things to - are no where to be found when I want to say the things I have to say. This is my own fault of course since I have not sought these people out. They have no clue that I need to pour out my soul to them.

Then there are people whose attention I have managed to grab and less than a quarter of the way through what I am saying, it becomes obvious that they either don’t care or don’t get it.

I feel like one of those dark little emo girls who feels like no one in the world understands her.

Someone once said to me (after reading my blog) “I think you are depressed”. No shit! I say so right on my About page.

We found out that Chris doesn’t have cancer. That was a huge sigh of relief until we started learning about what he does have.

I don’t know what to say or do. I am worried and there is nothing anyone can say to make it better or make me worry any less.

We have so many plans for our future but do we keep going on that path or do we be extra cautious and divert from that path and work on being prepared for the worst? No one can tell us if or when things might get worse.

We are just charging forward in the pitch black middle of the night.

Its raining right now. It is dark outside still. I poked my head out the door to smell the rain. The way the air smells when it is raining is a familiar and comforting scent. The darkness is equally comforting, wrapping me in a quilt of calm. In a few more hours we will be back to the daily grind.

Had I grown up and attempted a normal life before I had children, I might have realized it isn’t worth it to be so normal. Sure there is mental stimulation and occasionally a truly interesting conversation but bliss is so sparse and so fleeting and yet we all work so hard for all of “this”.