This Is Me Maria

On Wednesday my husband’s mother picked up the littles and took them to her house. She’s been driving back and forth between Seattle and Bellevue to drop them off at school in the mornings and pick them up in the evenings.

Maddie hasn’t been away from us for this long before. She’d be content to be with me at home all day, every day. I feel guilty that I can’t give that to her. Not because I can’t afford it, but because I can’t stay at home anymore. As much as I can’t stand some parts of my work, the daily routine of having to be some where, helps me be sane. Mostly as a distraction from my self I’m sure.

When I was a SAHM, I was severely depressed and begged my husband to help me find work so I could get out. I know SAHMs are very busy with schedules and play dates and homework and keeping clean houses and a million other things but there is a certain amount of leisure that goes along with being a SAHM. I do miss that but I couldn’t go back. I don’t think I could even go back to working from home, which I also did for a few years.

Still, I think about doing it about a once a week just for her so that I don’t have to say goodbye to her in the morning when I drop her off at childcare.

On the other end of the spectrum, here I am letting my mother in law take my kids for 5 days and deal with the lunches and homework and what not. It was nice of her to offer because I never would have asked. The first night is always the hardest. There are no tiny teeth to brush or ducky books to read or stuffed animals to hunt for. The silence is permeable. This is where the dogs come in handy. They are just as rowdy and needy as the kids. When they go away, it is going to be rough.

This time, neither Chris or I are worried about being productive with our child free time. We are just stopping to breath. We’ve done weekends before but not a regular working week before. This is new. Friday I woke up, got dressed, tossed my hair up in a pony tail, walked out the door, got into my van, stopped at Starbucks and then went to work. That was it. I was walking out the door about 10 minutes after having woke up - the simplicity felt surreal.

I guess parenthood is filled with guilt because I’ve enjoyed just being me and not mom for a few days.