This Is Me Maria

One of the things I have discovered that triggers my suicidal thoughts is fear. I recently uncovered the fact that I fear myself. I fear that my anger will get the best of me and I’ll do something I regret.

Also getting out of bed on the weekends isn’t easier yet. I can do a little here and there but with all of this medication switching I am not really making progress.

Still I am so lucky, I have like 10 phone numbers of friends on my crisis plan so far. As lonely as I feel, my crisis plan is proof that I am not alone.

I thought that finding more of myself, meant that I would drift away from my husband. At first, that seemed to be the case. To my surprise I have found that the more I love myself, the more I remember how much I love Christopher.

Being with him, is being home. Being in his arms is like basking in the warmth of the sun. There is no place I feel safer than with him.

I suppose this makes me somewhat vulnerable, but then there is no one I trust more. It is wonderful to recall that I am madly and sickeningly in love with him still after all of these years. I am so lucky.

Here is a screen shot I took of the detailed information about my footprint. It is quite alarming and sad. You can find out your footprint at http://www.myfootprint.org/en/

I retook the test and my number went up to 4.92. Click on the photo to see the full size version.

When you are strong, you look around at the weak and say “Get up!”. When they do not move you cannot understand why.

When you are weak you wonder if you can ever be strong again.

When you are weak you gasp for breath from the unsurmountable weight that is on top of you.

When you are weak you can hear the voices of those standing close by calling for you to get up. You know that you should be able to move, but you cannot.

When you are weak it is easier to simply close your eyes and go to sleep.

When you are strong again, you now know why the weak must be gently and slowly lifted to their feet.

A few months ago we found a new home for our dogs. They went together to a family who is home often and has the time, means, and energy to give them the life they deserve.

Fast forward to today and due to an unfortunate incident the little dog is back here with us and the big dog will soon be a in a new home as well.

The good news is that they took her training to a new level while they did have her and she is wonderful have around now. I feel as though I should be paying them. They returned a more fantastic dog than they got.

I can’t say I didn’t miss having her around. She is a lovely little dog. So here I am once again with a dog.

Summer sucks. I wish we lived in Europe or where ever it is that the kids go to school all year long with a few 3 week vacations through out the year.

Summer sucks because I don’t like being too hot. Even though I have AC in my house and car, it has been too hot to be outside a lot the last few summers.

Summer sucks because all my kid’s friends with SAHMs ask to do play dates in the middle of a week day. Unless it is a national holiday - assume that I am at work and my children are unavailable for play dates.

Summer sucks because it is the busy season for my husband’s company so vacation is rarely possible. I do not vacation with kids and with out my husband. I did it once… never again.

Summer sucks because my kids have to go to a new childcare for the summer and make yet another transition.

Summer sucks because I still have the expectation on myself to some how magically be with the kids and entertain more like I did when I stayed at home.

Luckily both the preschool and 1st grade are sending home stacks of homework for the kids to do over the summer so that they don’t forget everything.

Luckily we have grass covering 90% of our backyard this year and can spend even more time back there.

Luckily oil is more expensive. We are forced to be more frugal but also more creative. We are finding that with careful planning and creativity out lifestyle is not impeded upon at all. In fact it is not so careless, it is meticulously planned, it is more green. Challenge of this nature squeezes out excess. It is interesting to change and evolve. I will miss my luxurious van but either make small uncomfortable adjustments now or big painful ones later.

Luckily there are many sports available for the kids to enjoy all summer long since I do not permit week day sports during the school year yet.

Luckily I am an expert popsicle creator.

Luckily life goes by at the perfect speed.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Self Respect

I really should have numbered each of these topics by importance. If I were going to do that Self Respect would be #1.

Society does not tend to look favorably upon young mothers. It isn’t difficult to understand why but for those of us behind the stereotype, on the other side of the dropped jaw and wide eyed stares, going to school and working, trying to figure out who we are - society is a haunting voice.

It is difficult to participate in society especially in the world of other parents when you aren’t welcomed with open arms. Young mothers need to remember that they have a right to be there (wherever that may be) just as much as any other parent.

You’ll often see me vent about my run ins with yet another parent whose jaw needs to be reeled back in with a fishing line, or has to play 20 questions and practically gives themselves an aneurysm trying to do the math.

Initially I felt intimidated by all of these other parents, especially these older women who can be so crass. In one of the early years as a volunteer in my son’s preschool I tried a new approach. I immediately put on the defense and made sure to give everyone a death stare as I went about completing my volunteer tasks. I definitely got a lot less annoying questions but I also didn’t make any friends.

I eventually learned to just be myself and be friendly to others. I went through a lot of weird phases as I tried to figure out who I was, where I fit in and what I was supposed to be doing. As I learn more about myself, I continue to attract and surround myself by other people who help make my life enjoyable.

I know that I am not any less of a person than any other parent. I still have to work hard not to compare myself to others. I have made a point to trust myself, my decisions, wishes, goals and beliefs. I respect myself enough to know when I don’t have all of the wisdom or knowledge needed to make some decisions.

Self Respect is what will carry you the furthest. It will enable you and empower you. It may be hard to find in the beginning but don’t give up. You are someone to be respected because you are trying to be a good mother.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Support

I’m not sure I can fully explain how important it is to have support when you are staring motherhood in the face at a young age. So I’ll just tell you about the support I’ve received and what it has and does mean to me.

The first place I received support from was my new in-laws. I was very fortunate that they were and are so kind and caring. While I didn’t accept that support right away, I eventually came to rely on it. In many ways parenting has only gotten more difficult. By not burning that bridge even though I just wanted to be left alone, I have created a pipeline for support to flow down to me and to my children. As I face new challenges this support is invaluable.

Support doesn’t have to come in the form of family though and it some cases it may not. Another place that I received support from in the early months was from a woman who worked in my school district, in a program for young moms. While she couldn’t technically “help” me because I didn’t qualify for any aid, she still came around. She came to talk, to listen, to point me to resources. Those few minutes here and there meant so much to me because it was just a time where my friends weren’t around very much and I was still kind of lost. It gave me a little extra push to keep going.

Lastly the place that I go to the most and have gone to the longest is a group of other young moms that I originally met online in a message board group years ago. This group of ladies is a bit like a lifeline. Sure we have our ups and downs like any friends but many of us have met one or two other members. Many talk on the phone, IM, email, snail mail etc. Just the other day I received a wedding invitation from one of my dear friends that I’ve never met in person. In this small group we go through life’s trials and watch each other and our children grow and find comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone.

The point is to find support somewhere. It doesn’t have to be in person. It doesn’t have to be family because lets face it, that isn’t always going to happen. It just has to provide you with comfort, a “shoulder” to cry on, a listening ear, and an open mind.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Resources

In the state that I live in we are blessed to have so many resources for young mothers and families in general.

Depending on your needs whatever they may be, you may find resources online, with your family and friends, at your church or through a program in your community and even your doctors.

A resource can be anything from getting baby food coupons from companies that sell baby food to a reliable babysitter so you can attend classes, to recipes for healthy meals that won’t cost you fortune and even advice about how to get your picky toddler to eat.

Look and ask for the resources that you need. There are so many helpful people and programs out there. Not once have I seen any of my friends who are also young mothers go with out something they need because they are always looking for resources to help them accomplish their tasks.

When my son was a baby I always had tons of coupons that came in handy for all of the inevitable crap you buy for your first born. When my daughter was born my friends at church would hold her or play with my son so that I could take time to myself to listen to the minister or afterwards chat with other friends.

I am forever grateful for the many resources I have drawn on over the years. Even now when we are in the position to be a resource of some kind to someone else, I still seek out other kinds of resources for the ever changing needs of our lives.

Remember that no person is an island unto themselves. We were not meant to go through life without one another. You will always need some kind of resource in your life, learn how to ask for help now when you are needing it the most.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Education

Of course a formal education never hurt anyone and is something I highly recommend that all young mothers pursue at least for the sake of being educated if nothing else. However there are other kinds of education that a young mother can benefit from. Here are just a couple.

Personal financial management is probably one of the biggest issues that a young mother will have to deal with. Your financial life dictates pretty much everything else in your life. Using your jump start into adulthood to your advantage by setting financial goals and plans now will only benefit you in the long run. A good financial planner will meet with you, plan with you and advise you for no upfront costs. There are also many great books you can check out from your local library as well as many resources online. Just seek and you will find.

Nutrition knowledge and cooking is a life long invaluable skill to have. The more you know about nutrition, the better decisions you can make for yourself and your child. The better you and your child can eat, the fewer health problems you and your child are likely to have. This will not only save you money but possible heartache in the long run.

The more you experiment and grow into your own cooking style, the more you’ll enjoy eating nutritious food. There is something rewarding about eating a meal you created on your own. Maybe you only have an old two person table in your tiny apartment but if you sit there everyday for at least one meal with your child, you are making memories.

Our first home as a family was a tiny 650 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment. Cody and I used to sit in our tiny dining room with the sun coming through window and eat lunch everyday. When my daughter was born we had purchased our first home, an 800 sq ft condo. Around this time I fell into a deep bought with the depression. The one thing I could effortlessly get up for over and over was to feed my children. I was somehow able to prepare food for them even though at moments I could barely breathe. Sitting with them at the table was the most sane part of each day.