This Is Me Maria

Christopher helped me pour the ashes into the urn. I almost couldn’t do it. There were bone fragments in there…

We poured wax up to the top to seal it since it didn’t come with a lid.

Now what?

I believe that people give and take a form of energy from one another. I imagine that at this time I take a lot of energy from just about everyone.

I have found that my daughter is usually a giver. Hugging her and spending time with her is soothing and healing. She gives energy, sunshine, and love.

My son is a taker. He takes so much all the time. Sometimes it is physically painful to my skin to touch him because he needs so much.

I am sad that it is likely my own bad energy that is ruining him. I am even more sad that there is little that I can do about it right now. When I have a good enough day that I have something to give, I will hug him and I will feel him take everything he can. I will hold him as long as I can, as long as I feel he needs more.

I hope that one day I can feel like a real mom again. Right now I feel like a bystander in their world, watching everything unfold around me.

I’m afraid I’ll run away and abandon my family so that I can find my sanity.

I’m afraid I’ll swerve into on coming traffic.

I’m afraid that my urge to reproduce will cause me to seek out sperm elsewhere since there is none to be found here.

I’m afraid I’ll jump if I get to close to an edge.

I’m afraid I’ll speed up and smash into something, anything that is sure to end all of this hell.

I’m afraid that my husband is sick of me.

When you are strong, you look around at the weak and say “Get up!”. When they do not move you cannot understand why.

When you are weak you wonder if you can ever be strong again.

When you are weak you gasp for breath from the unsurmountable weight that is on top of you.

When you are weak you can hear the voices of those standing close by calling for you to get up. You know that you should be able to move, but you cannot.

When you are weak it is easier to simply close your eyes and go to sleep.

When you are strong again, you now know why the weak must be gently and slowly lifted to their feet.

I think I need reading glasses, the typed word is becoming increasingly difficult to read. Probably has something to do with my thinning retina.

When I was young I would hate how people in movies could never bring themselves to say the words they really wanted to say.

I find myself in that precarious situation more and more these days. The words just sit there like a cement block on my tongue, daring me to budge them over the cliff of my tongue and onto my lips.

More than that, the people I want to say some very important (to me) things to - are no where to be found when I want to say the things I have to say. This is my own fault of course since I have not sought these people out. They have no clue that I need to pour out my soul to them.

Then there are people whose attention I have managed to grab and less than a quarter of the way through what I am saying, it becomes obvious that they either don’t care or don’t get it.

I feel like one of those dark little emo girls who feels like no one in the world understands her.

Someone once said to me (after reading my blog) “I think you are depressed”. No shit! I say so right on my About page.

We found out that Chris doesn’t have cancer. That was a huge sigh of relief until we started learning about what he does have.

I don’t know what to say or do. I am worried and there is nothing anyone can say to make it better or make me worry any less.

We have so many plans for our future but do we keep going on that path or do we be extra cautious and divert from that path and work on being prepared for the worst? No one can tell us if or when things might get worse.

We are just charging forward in the pitch black middle of the night.