This Is Me Maria

Caught myself singing several days ago.

Caught myself happily cleaning yesterday.

Caught myself skipping today.

One of the things I have discovered that triggers my suicidal thoughts is fear. I recently uncovered the fact that I fear myself. I fear that my anger will get the best of me and I’ll do something I regret.

Also getting out of bed on the weekends isn’t easier yet. I can do a little here and there but with all of this medication switching I am not really making progress.

Still I am so lucky, I have like 10 phone numbers of friends on my crisis plan so far. As lonely as I feel, my crisis plan is proof that I am not alone.

The overwhelming theme in the last few weeks has been hopelessness. I have now lost track of how many days I have been taking medication. I figure it is 27 or so.

I feel like I am going insane. I wonder if and when Chris might decide to have me committed. The thoughts in my head are ridiculous. I feel like dying a lot though. Dying because I feel hopeless. Dying because what is in my head is unreal.

Chris took my gun away. He won’t let me near it ever again now. I feel kind of unsafe in the house alone unarmed but the part of me that feels like dying is glad that he has made it harder for me to give up. I can see how part of me might resent this during some difficult moments in the future though.

I get to see my doctor again today so I think we’ll discuss trying a different medication. I won’t stop trying to get better, right now it is only because of the Littles. One day I hope it might be for myself.

For winter quarter I am taking a nutrition class. They shoved us right in by starting us off watching Super Size Me. If you haven’t seen this, you need to see it. I have new found motivation to resume my anti-fast food kick. My husband and children are not thrilled but the longer we can ward off things like liver failure, obesity, diabetes and colonoscopies - the better.

The thing that struck me the most was how much companies like the golden arches target and groom children to be lifetime consumers of their products. They do a good job of explaining that in the documentary. That part made me cry.

I stumbled across the entire Super Size Me film online so you can check it out.

So far the class is teaching me the reasons behind a lot of the things most of us already know. Just as with my biology class, the more I learn about the human body and how it works, the easier it is to make better decisions. Just as I said in my personal blog the other day:

“Be Cool. Stay in School!”

-maria