This Is Me Maria

It is funny what you learn about yourself when someone (like a therapist) just sits and actually listens to you talk.

Maybe it is my depressive, psychotic state but for some reason I feel like now is a good time to explore how I feel about my mom her.

Of all the things we’ve covered so far in therapy, the one thing that made me cry was her. It was so ridiculous. I like distraction from life, grieving is a good distraction. Shall we?

Her ashes are here in my house. I don’t like to remember that. They are in my dog’s bedroom in a plastic bag. Well the velvet bag that holds the wooden box that holds the Ziploc bag of ashes (I looked when I was a kid) is in the plastic grocery bag. God that is so horrible. I should box it up and mail it to her family.

Every photograph my family ever took are here in my house in photo boxes. This makes me so unbelievably angry. We made so many memories and no one even cares anymore.

Someone’s new wife has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old and can’t stand to have photos of someone’s previous life anywhere in their house. Not one. single. photograph.

I don’t want the responsibility of carrying on her memory or the memories of our family. He was supposed to do that. It is his job! I don’t want to be responsible for this!

I read that kids need to know where they came from, so I have to come to grips with all of this and be able to communicate information about my family with a positive spin. So far both children are very interested in how she died. They understand that I don’t have a mother and that she is dead. Much to my dismay they ask a lot of questions about her.

If I don’t do this, I won’t be able to answer questions. So far I’ve used inner hatred towards her for leaving to block out whatever real vulnerable emotions I might have. Probably not the healthiest idea.

I was 11 and she left. This feels horrible. The empty gaping whole people leave when they die, I don’t feel that anymore. I guess this is the crap that comes after that.

Summer sucks. I wish we lived in Europe or where ever it is that the kids go to school all year long with a few 3 week vacations through out the year.

Summer sucks because I don’t like being too hot. Even though I have AC in my house and car, it has been too hot to be outside a lot the last few summers.

Summer sucks because all my kid’s friends with SAHMs ask to do play dates in the middle of a week day. Unless it is a national holiday - assume that I am at work and my children are unavailable for play dates.

Summer sucks because it is the busy season for my husband’s company so vacation is rarely possible. I do not vacation with kids and with out my husband. I did it once… never again.

Summer sucks because my kids have to go to a new childcare for the summer and make yet another transition.

Summer sucks because I still have the expectation on myself to some how magically be with the kids and entertain more like I did when I stayed at home.

Luckily both the preschool and 1st grade are sending home stacks of homework for the kids to do over the summer so that they don’t forget everything.

Luckily we have grass covering 90% of our backyard this year and can spend even more time back there.

Luckily oil is more expensive. We are forced to be more frugal but also more creative. We are finding that with careful planning and creativity out lifestyle is not impeded upon at all. In fact it is not so careless, it is meticulously planned, it is more green. Challenge of this nature squeezes out excess. It is interesting to change and evolve. I will miss my luxurious van but either make small uncomfortable adjustments now or big painful ones later.

Luckily there are many sports available for the kids to enjoy all summer long since I do not permit week day sports during the school year yet.

Luckily I am an expert popsicle creator.

Luckily life goes by at the perfect speed.

On Wednesday my husband’s mother picked up the littles and took them to her house. She’s been driving back and forth between Seattle and Bellevue to drop them off at school in the mornings and pick them up in the evenings.

Maddie hasn’t been away from us for this long before. She’d be content to be with me at home all day, every day. I feel guilty that I can’t give that to her. Not because I can’t afford it, but because I can’t stay at home anymore. As much as I can’t stand some parts of my work, the daily routine of having to be some where, helps me be sane. Mostly as a distraction from my self I’m sure.

When I was a SAHM, I was severely depressed and begged my husband to help me find work so I could get out. I know SAHMs are very busy with schedules and play dates and homework and keeping clean houses and a million other things but there is a certain amount of leisure that goes along with being a SAHM. I do miss that but I couldn’t go back. I don’t think I could even go back to working from home, which I also did for a few years.

Still, I think about doing it about a once a week just for her so that I don’t have to say goodbye to her in the morning when I drop her off at childcare.

On the other end of the spectrum, here I am letting my mother in law take my kids for 5 days and deal with the lunches and homework and what not. It was nice of her to offer because I never would have asked. The first night is always the hardest. There are no tiny teeth to brush or ducky books to read or stuffed animals to hunt for. The silence is permeable. This is where the dogs come in handy. They are just as rowdy and needy as the kids. When they go away, it is going to be rough.

This time, neither Chris or I are worried about being productive with our child free time. We are just stopping to breath. We’ve done weekends before but not a regular working week before. This is new. Friday I woke up, got dressed, tossed my hair up in a pony tail, walked out the door, got into my van, stopped at Starbucks and then went to work. That was it. I was walking out the door about 10 minutes after having woke up - the simplicity felt surreal.

I guess parenthood is filled with guilt because I’ve enjoyed just being me and not mom for a few days.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Self Respect

I really should have numbered each of these topics by importance. If I were going to do that Self Respect would be #1.

Society does not tend to look favorably upon young mothers. It isn’t difficult to understand why but for those of us behind the stereotype, on the other side of the dropped jaw and wide eyed stares, going to school and working, trying to figure out who we are - society is a haunting voice.

It is difficult to participate in society especially in the world of other parents when you aren’t welcomed with open arms. Young mothers need to remember that they have a right to be there (wherever that may be) just as much as any other parent.

You’ll often see me vent about my run ins with yet another parent whose jaw needs to be reeled back in with a fishing line, or has to play 20 questions and practically gives themselves an aneurysm trying to do the math.

Initially I felt intimidated by all of these other parents, especially these older women who can be so crass. In one of the early years as a volunteer in my son’s preschool I tried a new approach. I immediately put on the defense and made sure to give everyone a death stare as I went about completing my volunteer tasks. I definitely got a lot less annoying questions but I also didn’t make any friends.

I eventually learned to just be myself and be friendly to others. I went through a lot of weird phases as I tried to figure out who I was, where I fit in and what I was supposed to be doing. As I learn more about myself, I continue to attract and surround myself by other people who help make my life enjoyable.

I know that I am not any less of a person than any other parent. I still have to work hard not to compare myself to others. I have made a point to trust myself, my decisions, wishes, goals and beliefs. I respect myself enough to know when I don’t have all of the wisdom or knowledge needed to make some decisions.

Self Respect is what will carry you the furthest. It will enable you and empower you. It may be hard to find in the beginning but don’t give up. You are someone to be respected because you are trying to be a good mother.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Support

I’m not sure I can fully explain how important it is to have support when you are staring motherhood in the face at a young age. So I’ll just tell you about the support I’ve received and what it has and does mean to me.

The first place I received support from was my new in-laws. I was very fortunate that they were and are so kind and caring. While I didn’t accept that support right away, I eventually came to rely on it. In many ways parenting has only gotten more difficult. By not burning that bridge even though I just wanted to be left alone, I have created a pipeline for support to flow down to me and to my children. As I face new challenges this support is invaluable.

Support doesn’t have to come in the form of family though and it some cases it may not. Another place that I received support from in the early months was from a woman who worked in my school district, in a program for young moms. While she couldn’t technically “help” me because I didn’t qualify for any aid, she still came around. She came to talk, to listen, to point me to resources. Those few minutes here and there meant so much to me because it was just a time where my friends weren’t around very much and I was still kind of lost. It gave me a little extra push to keep going.

Lastly the place that I go to the most and have gone to the longest is a group of other young moms that I originally met online in a message board group years ago. This group of ladies is a bit like a lifeline. Sure we have our ups and downs like any friends but many of us have met one or two other members. Many talk on the phone, IM, email, snail mail etc. Just the other day I received a wedding invitation from one of my dear friends that I’ve never met in person. In this small group we go through life’s trials and watch each other and our children grow and find comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone.

The point is to find support somewhere. It doesn’t have to be in person. It doesn’t have to be family because lets face it, that isn’t always going to happen. It just has to provide you with comfort, a “shoulder” to cry on, a listening ear, and an open mind.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Resources

In the state that I live in we are blessed to have so many resources for young mothers and families in general.

Depending on your needs whatever they may be, you may find resources online, with your family and friends, at your church or through a program in your community and even your doctors.

A resource can be anything from getting baby food coupons from companies that sell baby food to a reliable babysitter so you can attend classes, to recipes for healthy meals that won’t cost you fortune and even advice about how to get your picky toddler to eat.

Look and ask for the resources that you need. There are so many helpful people and programs out there. Not once have I seen any of my friends who are also young mothers go with out something they need because they are always looking for resources to help them accomplish their tasks.

When my son was a baby I always had tons of coupons that came in handy for all of the inevitable crap you buy for your first born. When my daughter was born my friends at church would hold her or play with my son so that I could take time to myself to listen to the minister or afterwards chat with other friends.

I am forever grateful for the many resources I have drawn on over the years. Even now when we are in the position to be a resource of some kind to someone else, I still seek out other kinds of resources for the ever changing needs of our lives.

Remember that no person is an island unto themselves. We were not meant to go through life without one another. You will always need some kind of resource in your life, learn how to ask for help now when you are needing it the most.

My mom died when I was a girl. I don’t think about her often and I can probably count the number of times I’ve cried about her on one hand. A psychologist might tell you that I haven’t yet grieved for her. What that means for me is that I don’t like to talk about her or even think about her. Whenever I start to weep for her, I stop because I feel foolish. I feel too old to be crying for my mom.

Unfortunately being a mother reminds you of your own mother. Today my children were playing on the sofa in a mound of cushions, building tiny rooms made of the square brown pillows that litter the seating through out the house.

I was reminded of this time my sister and I were trying to build a fort out of pillows and sheets. My mom started to help us but she went all out. Taking mattresses and cushions apart, using sheets from all over the house, building this elaborate fort system through out nearly our entire home. It was fantastic and surprising and an afternoon I’ll likely not forget.

I always worry that I am not creating good memories for my children, but I recently realized that part of who I am comes from the unique memories I have with my dad and even my mom. Spending late nights drinking coffee at a bookstore, taking long drives to all these old little towns, listening to all kinds of crazy new age music and listening to NPR.

I have to remember that my family is making our own memories, just a different kind. Library trips, ice skating, watching movies and working in our yard with our dogs playing nearby.