This Is Me Maria

The urn. It is here. It is just as beautiful in person, if not more so. I took the box of my mom’s ashes out of the spare bedroom and the walmart plastic bag. I set it on the table. That was hard. It was like I was being stabbed in the chest as I attempted to open the velvet bag. I couldn’t. So it is just sitting on my table. I walk by once a day and rest my hand on it for a few seconds. Eventually I hope to be able to open it and deposit the ashes into the urn.

I believe that people give and take a form of energy from one another. I imagine that at this time I take a lot of energy from just about everyone.

I have found that my daughter is usually a giver. Hugging her and spending time with her is soothing and healing. She gives energy, sunshine, and love.

My son is a taker. He takes so much all the time. Sometimes it is physically painful to my skin to touch him because he needs so much.

I am sad that it is likely my own bad energy that is ruining him. I am even more sad that there is little that I can do about it right now. When I have a good enough day that I have something to give, I will hug him and I will feel him take everything he can. I will hold him as long as I can, as long as I feel he needs more.

I hope that one day I can feel like a real mom again. Right now I feel like a bystander in their world, watching everything unfold around me.

I’ve been exploring my emotions about her. I’ve cried more about her in the last week than I have in all the years since she died combined.

Christopher has been perfect. He’s only had one person close to him die, ever but he’s been perfect. You can only know what that means if you’ve lost someone close to you.

There are no words to make it better. There is only listening and being there in the moment with the pain surrounding you. It is really hard.

The most upsetting thing has been the thought of two little girls having to say goodbye to their mother. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s story when I think about this.

We were only able to say goodbye to her for what seemed like 10 minutes. It is silly but I kick my 11 year old self for not speaking up and saying “Hey! This is the last time I’m ever going to see my mom! LET ME STAY!”

I know there is no handbook that can tell you how to deal with children when their mother is dying, but I feel it could have been handled better. From not letting us stay longer with her, to stating to me that you blame my dad for my mom dying and everything in between.

I’m not done grieving but I think I will eventually be okay.