This Is Me Maria

Although she died when I was 11 I have come to the realization that a lack of a stable maternal figure existed long before her death, possibly never existed at all for me.

I am making it up as I go along. I have no blue print. I am doing this absolutely alone.

My early years as a mother were spent striving for perfection. A goal I never attained and got tired of chasing. While I do have 4 years of early childhood education under my belt, I know that the edge of what I know is looming in the distance.

I really don’t know how to handle older children. What will I do when my children reach the age my sister and I were when my mother died? What will I do when they become teenagers?

I felt alone on so many levels back then, trying to figure out how to be the best mother that I could be and I probably had some kind of experience as someone must have cared for me reasonably well as a baby.

I wonder how much lonelier it will be as a parent of teenagers with absolutely nothing to draw from but the dysfunctional story between me and my last living parent.

I am going to be in therapy forever…

On Wednesday my husband’s mother picked up the littles and took them to her house. She’s been driving back and forth between Seattle and Bellevue to drop them off at school in the mornings and pick them up in the evenings.

Maddie hasn’t been away from us for this long before. She’d be content to be with me at home all day, every day. I feel guilty that I can’t give that to her. Not because I can’t afford it, but because I can’t stay at home anymore. As much as I can’t stand some parts of my work, the daily routine of having to be some where, helps me be sane. Mostly as a distraction from my self I’m sure.

When I was a SAHM, I was severely depressed and begged my husband to help me find work so I could get out. I know SAHMs are very busy with schedules and play dates and homework and keeping clean houses and a million other things but there is a certain amount of leisure that goes along with being a SAHM. I do miss that but I couldn’t go back. I don’t think I could even go back to working from home, which I also did for a few years.

Still, I think about doing it about a once a week just for her so that I don’t have to say goodbye to her in the morning when I drop her off at childcare.

On the other end of the spectrum, here I am letting my mother in law take my kids for 5 days and deal with the lunches and homework and what not. It was nice of her to offer because I never would have asked. The first night is always the hardest. There are no tiny teeth to brush or ducky books to read or stuffed animals to hunt for. The silence is permeable. This is where the dogs come in handy. They are just as rowdy and needy as the kids. When they go away, it is going to be rough.

This time, neither Chris or I are worried about being productive with our child free time. We are just stopping to breath. We’ve done weekends before but not a regular working week before. This is new. Friday I woke up, got dressed, tossed my hair up in a pony tail, walked out the door, got into my van, stopped at Starbucks and then went to work. That was it. I was walking out the door about 10 minutes after having woke up - the simplicity felt surreal.

I guess parenthood is filled with guilt because I’ve enjoyed just being me and not mom for a few days.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Self Respect

I really should have numbered each of these topics by importance. If I were going to do that Self Respect would be #1.

Society does not tend to look favorably upon young mothers. It isn’t difficult to understand why but for those of us behind the stereotype, on the other side of the dropped jaw and wide eyed stares, going to school and working, trying to figure out who we are - society is a haunting voice.

It is difficult to participate in society especially in the world of other parents when you aren’t welcomed with open arms. Young mothers need to remember that they have a right to be there (wherever that may be) just as much as any other parent.

You’ll often see me vent about my run ins with yet another parent whose jaw needs to be reeled back in with a fishing line, or has to play 20 questions and practically gives themselves an aneurysm trying to do the math.

Initially I felt intimidated by all of these other parents, especially these older women who can be so crass. In one of the early years as a volunteer in my son’s preschool I tried a new approach. I immediately put on the defense and made sure to give everyone a death stare as I went about completing my volunteer tasks. I definitely got a lot less annoying questions but I also didn’t make any friends.

I eventually learned to just be myself and be friendly to others. I went through a lot of weird phases as I tried to figure out who I was, where I fit in and what I was supposed to be doing. As I learn more about myself, I continue to attract and surround myself by other people who help make my life enjoyable.

I know that I am not any less of a person than any other parent. I still have to work hard not to compare myself to others. I have made a point to trust myself, my decisions, wishes, goals and beliefs. I respect myself enough to know when I don’t have all of the wisdom or knowledge needed to make some decisions.

Self Respect is what will carry you the furthest. It will enable you and empower you. It may be hard to find in the beginning but don’t give up. You are someone to be respected because you are trying to be a good mother.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Support

I’m not sure I can fully explain how important it is to have support when you are staring motherhood in the face at a young age. So I’ll just tell you about the support I’ve received and what it has and does mean to me.

The first place I received support from was my new in-laws. I was very fortunate that they were and are so kind and caring. While I didn’t accept that support right away, I eventually came to rely on it. In many ways parenting has only gotten more difficult. By not burning that bridge even though I just wanted to be left alone, I have created a pipeline for support to flow down to me and to my children. As I face new challenges this support is invaluable.

Support doesn’t have to come in the form of family though and it some cases it may not. Another place that I received support from in the early months was from a woman who worked in my school district, in a program for young moms. While she couldn’t technically “help” me because I didn’t qualify for any aid, she still came around. She came to talk, to listen, to point me to resources. Those few minutes here and there meant so much to me because it was just a time where my friends weren’t around very much and I was still kind of lost. It gave me a little extra push to keep going.

Lastly the place that I go to the most and have gone to the longest is a group of other young moms that I originally met online in a message board group years ago. This group of ladies is a bit like a lifeline. Sure we have our ups and downs like any friends but many of us have met one or two other members. Many talk on the phone, IM, email, snail mail etc. Just the other day I received a wedding invitation from one of my dear friends that I’ve never met in person. In this small group we go through life’s trials and watch each other and our children grow and find comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone.

The point is to find support somewhere. It doesn’t have to be in person. It doesn’t have to be family because lets face it, that isn’t always going to happen. It just has to provide you with comfort, a “shoulder” to cry on, a listening ear, and an open mind.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Education

Of course a formal education never hurt anyone and is something I highly recommend that all young mothers pursue at least for the sake of being educated if nothing else. However there are other kinds of education that a young mother can benefit from. Here are just a couple.

Personal financial management is probably one of the biggest issues that a young mother will have to deal with. Your financial life dictates pretty much everything else in your life. Using your jump start into adulthood to your advantage by setting financial goals and plans now will only benefit you in the long run. A good financial planner will meet with you, plan with you and advise you for no upfront costs. There are also many great books you can check out from your local library as well as many resources online. Just seek and you will find.

Nutrition knowledge and cooking is a life long invaluable skill to have. The more you know about nutrition, the better decisions you can make for yourself and your child. The better you and your child can eat, the fewer health problems you and your child are likely to have. This will not only save you money but possible heartache in the long run.

The more you experiment and grow into your own cooking style, the more you’ll enjoy eating nutritious food. There is something rewarding about eating a meal you created on your own. Maybe you only have an old two person table in your tiny apartment but if you sit there everyday for at least one meal with your child, you are making memories.

Our first home as a family was a tiny 650 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment. Cody and I used to sit in our tiny dining room with the sun coming through window and eat lunch everyday. When my daughter was born we had purchased our first home, an 800 sq ft condo. Around this time I fell into a deep bought with the depression. The one thing I could effortlessly get up for over and over was to feed my children. I was somehow able to prepare food for them even though at moments I could barely breathe. Sitting with them at the table was the most sane part of each day.

Being a young mom is an incredible challenge. There are 5 basic things every young mom needs in order to not only help raise her children, but develop herself into a successful adult. I had intended to publish all five at once but each section is long enough that together they are a bit too long for me. I’ve broken them down into 5 posts for your reading pleasure.

Creativity

All moms can use a dose of creativity; young mothers especially need creativity to navigate the murky waters of motherhood. Whether it is getting a cranky toddler to stop crying when you are at your wits end, figuring out how to cook food that isn’t from a box or trying to juggle your overloaded schedule; creativity is a key ingredient to success and sanity.

In the early years of motherhood I found that getting in touch with that part of me that was still very a much a young person and strapping on my creativity boots, helped me deal with my needy son. Creativity doesn’t have to be about scrap booking or painting a mural on your child’s bedroom walls. Let your child and your surroundings inspire your creativity to help you accomplish your most daunting tasks. You may find that your new found creativity can extend into many aspects of your life.

While you may have a hobby or a career that helps you define yourself, one of your crafts is also being a mother. Own your craft, grow into your uniqueness and allow yourself to be good the mother that you are. The best way to do this is using your own unique creativity.

I used to often find myself comparing my parenting skills with that of the other parents around me. It is easy to get sucked into a vortex of worry and self doubt. Especially when your the path ahead is not always clear and despite your lack of life experience, you are forced to carry on.

Realize that you will have your own unique way of parenting and your journey will be very different than that of those around you. Learn and grow and prosper from your unique experiences as a young mother. You have SO MUCH to offer your child.

Tonight at a PTA sponsored event after 6 years of this, I have finally come to the conclusion that the questions and the stares will not get any easier.

So I have resolved to be equally inquisitive. When faced with the question “Are you a mom?” I now proudly say “Yes! I am. Are you?” Now I just need to get a shirt that says “Not the Nanny” and I’ll be set.

I really like my friends. Most of them are pretty cool. Of course I am the youngest of a particular group of them. I don’t mind really, that kind of happens when you are in my situation. I feel like I can learn a lot from all these people who have so much more experience than I.

Unfortunately some of them love to poke “fun” at me for being so young. It seems to happen a lot though and it feels more like jabs as if they are mad at me for something. It makes me really sad.

I am very sensitive about my age because people (not just friends) always make a big deal out of it when they find out how old I am. Jaws drop, people strain their tiny brains to do the math to figure out how old I must have been when I had my son. I get a million questions. You would think I was the only person EVER to have a baby at a young age. I’m not sure what they expected. I don’t understand why it is so damn shocking.

I also really hate comments like “you don’t look old enough to be a mom”. How old do I need to look? How old is “old enough” to be a mom? Did I miss a crucial memo that states that all the shitty parents in the world are under a certain age?

I feel like I should wear a big neon sign that says YES I WAS A TEEN MOM AND I AM NOT VERY OLD YET. GET OVER IT OKAY?!!!

I’ve had many parents (even in my own damn church!) be rude to me, or just stare at me and give me dirty looks when I have done nothing to provoke them. (Unless existing in the same room with my children and theirs is some how offensive.) Heck even some of my so-called “mom friends” make comments about my age that I could definitely live without.

I already have to live with the decisions I’ve made, why do I have to continue to be punished by the rest of the world?