This Is Me Maria

As some of the darkest days of my life go by, it isn’t hard to imagine that I might question what I believe. I don’t know if anyone from the church I once attended, reads my blog (they might, a lot of them are on my Facebook). If they do, I gladly welcome a challenge to anything I write here. I would love for someone to convince me that the religion that I followed my entire life is still relevant to me to this day.

I believe in God, a God. Maybe not the God I once believed in but definitely someone. I have prayed to a God for as long as I can remember.

I won’t identify my church as I am sure they would not want to be associated with me at this point. Kind of sad isn’t it? In any case, here are the things that are holding me back from returning to the spiritual path I once walked.

1.) Not allowing women to speak in church (be ministers). Fear of sexual discrimination is what affects my reality more than any other of the “minority” groups I belong to. The amount of discomfort it causes me is greater than I can politely put into words right now. Furthermore the amount of chauvinism that I believe to be occurring throughout the church is unreal and it is the biggest reason I cannot sit peacefully in a room with these people. Perhaps my perception is skewed, I’d love for someone to open a different window for me to look through. I picture myself trying to sit through a service and at some point jumping up and screaming “THIS IS SO FUCKED UP!”. It is best I keep away until I can contain myself.

2.) Don’t believe in yourself. It sounds more negative than intended I am sure but it means not to rely on  your own interpretation of God’s law or the interpretation provided by other “men”. I can see why this is important. It is easy for the vulnerable and weak to be lead astray. However the best way to take power from people is to get them to believe that they cannot trust or believe in themselves. Perhaps it just means that you shouldn’t blindly decide what you believe but should seek council with God on each matter. Unfortunately I don’t believe this is what is being taught through out the church. While there are a few good men teaching guidelines in the church, there are others straying further in than is their right to do.

I could delve deeper into other things that I once believed and now question but don’t see much point in doing so as these two right here are deal breakers.

What is most difficult for me is that I feel as though the things I was brought up to believe that are ingrained in my soul, are interfering with me finding my way. The only way I know to recover is going back down the path I once walked. Unfortunately there are fibers in my being now screaming at me to question things such those listed above.

Depression is the loneliest place and I feel as though I am grasping at threads as I slowly drown in my own thoughts. Having some decided beliefs and a God that I am decided upon would make it a lot less lonely…