This Is Me Maria

I had a good weekend despite a day worth of dark thoughts. This is mostly because Chris was here for all but an hour or two of it. He put me to work to keep me busy. It was a nice distraction to be working along side him on the house all weekend. I am quite pleased with the results.

Of course this is the root of all my problems. I can’t be alone or complete when he is not here. This is what we talk about in therapy. I define myself as his wife. I feel as though I am part of him. I feel incomplete without him. I feel like a better person because I am married to him. Not better like good (quite the opposite actually) but better than you. And then when he is away or he is unhappy my reality comes crumbling down around me.

I am still trying to figure out why. I guess I’ll find out eventually. In the mean time, everything that happens while I am awake is a risk. I can’t stay in bed and hide out though. It seems that getting out bed and keeping busy is the best thing to do for now.

Summer sucks. I wish we lived in Europe or where ever it is that the kids go to school all year long with a few 3 week vacations through out the year.

Summer sucks because I don’t like being too hot. Even though I have AC in my house and car, it has been too hot to be outside a lot the last few summers.

Summer sucks because all my kid’s friends with SAHMs ask to do play dates in the middle of a week day. Unless it is a national holiday - assume that I am at work and my children are unavailable for play dates.

Summer sucks because it is the busy season for my husband’s company so vacation is rarely possible. I do not vacation with kids and with out my husband. I did it once… never again.

Summer sucks because my kids have to go to a new childcare for the summer and make yet another transition.

Summer sucks because I still have the expectation on myself to some how magically be with the kids and entertain more like I did when I stayed at home.

Luckily both the preschool and 1st grade are sending home stacks of homework for the kids to do over the summer so that they don’t forget everything.

Luckily we have grass covering 90% of our backyard this year and can spend even more time back there.

Luckily oil is more expensive. We are forced to be more frugal but also more creative. We are finding that with careful planning and creativity out lifestyle is not impeded upon at all. In fact it is not so careless, it is meticulously planned, it is more green. Challenge of this nature squeezes out excess. It is interesting to change and evolve. I will miss my luxurious van but either make small uncomfortable adjustments now or big painful ones later.

Luckily there are many sports available for the kids to enjoy all summer long since I do not permit week day sports during the school year yet.

Luckily I am an expert popsicle creator.

Luckily life goes by at the perfect speed.